Six-inch sperm in garden centre
Strange, zygotic waggle dance
Disembodied, black placenta
Hitched a ride with foreign plants
Uninvited and unwanted
Poet says “I’ll take them home”
Four enormous bullfrog tadpoles
In my pond and free to roam.
Press release from the Home Office:
It’s a witchhunt, there's no doubt.
“Catch these immigrant amphibians!
They’re illegal--stamp them out!
They’ll wipe out our native species....”
(Don’t tell me: they’re weird, they smell,
Nick our jobs and shag our pond life
And they’re on the dole as well)
Crashing down, the eco-jackboot....
“No, they can’t stay in your pond!
You’ll be fined at least a thousand
If you let these things abscond!”
Semen-like, they squirm in protest.
“Freedom for the Southwick 4!”
But I know the awful verdict:
Custody for evermore.
One year in an old aquarium
Then this macro-spunk grows legs
Diet of red meat and chicken--
Turn their snouts up at ants’ eggs....
One year more, and they are sorted
Saved from eco-nazi doom
Summer: big pit in the garden.
Winter: in my living room.
Now their diet is worms and crickets
(Big worms and big crickets, sure)
Grow two inches every year
Soon a foot long--even more!
They’ll be hunting bigger victims
And the poet has a plan
Vengeance on the great oppressor
From my huge pitbullfrog clan....
Cats kill frogs--I’ve seen them do it
As a kid that lesson learned
Saw the corpse and shook with anger--
Soon the tables will be turned
Pampered Kitty meets the pose
Bullfrogs think “Mmmm... nice and fat:
One rich owner: what’s the flavour?
Yes! Our favourite! Kit-e-kat!”
Feline diet makes them bigger
Hungrier and sharper still
Militant amphibian army
Huge of mouth and iron of will
Tories, fascists, High Court Judges
Down their throats the same old way
As they croak “No deportations!
British Bullfrogs--here to stay!”
©1997, Attila the Stockbroker
Attila the Stockbroker’s Nature Poems
THE BRITISH BULLFROG
From Attila the Stockbroker, for About.com
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