Academy-Slam Merger Is Great for Business. . .
But How 'Bout for Poetry??
Dateline: 7/13/99
Big News In Po-Land! Credit the Triumph of Capitalism, the Nature of Beings, the Powerlessness of Art or whatever, but when we received the recent Academy of Amerislam Poets Newsletter, we knew news was breaking like a rash. We assume “Emanuel Organ” is a pseudonym -- please let us know if you have a clue as to who. All we do know is that the lead story from the Newsletter had us boots-quaking, whether it's from fear or laughter, we could not tell.
--Bob Holman
Dateline Chicago, July 1st 1999.
by Emanuel Organ
Academy of American Poets announced today a merger with the National Poetry Slam. Poet Laureate Robert Pinsky, stated “We have been keeping our eyes on these guys for a long while and the time was ripe for picking." New President for Life Molly Peacock, who replaces the outgoing Marc Smith, was thrilled at her new appointment and assured Slammers that she would “[B]ring the vibrancy of poetry circles and do the job, with tens for everyone." [“Tens” are the highest scores allowed by law in a Slam.]
In her first official act, she has relocated the 10th anniversary National Slam from Chicago to the Iowa Writer's Workshop in Iowa. Ms. Passion of “Poetry in Motion" has agreed to provide shuttle buses, so there will be no need to reschedule hotel reservations; all day events will be held on the shuttles. “One major change will be the addition of an Academy Poet to each Slam Team," Ms. Peacock was quoted as saying as she left the Green Mill. “Slam Masters will be able to choose from a list on a first come, first serve basis, so leave some room and no take backs."
Pinsky, when asked how the merger came about, answered, “I'm tickled pink." When pressed, he snarled, “It’s ours, the audience, the score cards, the marking pens, all ours, ha, ha, ha." Wammo of the 1996 Austin team, reached at a road side stop along old Route 666, had this to say regarding the merger, “The Academy of American Poets brings a legitimacy the Slam had long lacked, and I for one am looking forward to my appointment at the next damn university I come to." Danny Solis of various cities and years echoed his thoughts while rubbing his hands together and whispering, “Sweet Mother of Shiva, bring on the grant money!"
All across the nation poets in bars rubbed patched shoulders with their new tweed jacket colleagues. Robert Hass, Jorie Graham and W.S. Merwin are all bringing out new chapbooks in celebration of the merger. The new series is reported to be entitled, Gas Money and Moore, Marianne. Michael Brown, reached in his home in Boston, repeated over and over again, “I'm shocked, just shocked."
Charles Bukowski, reached from the other side by a fortuneteller outside of Lawton, Oklahoma, said, “I didn't give a flying humping gun about any of you while I was alive. I sure don't need you whiners now." “So it seems the poetry world is to be always just what it is and no more or no less and that is just the way it is or so it seems," reacted Allan Wolf, the proud father of Sonnets R Bonnets, at his home outside of the defunct Black Mountain College. Wolf went on, “If only the Academy had merged with Charles Olson perhaps everyone would have been into projected verse a long time ago."
In New York, Bob Holman was seen eating his hat with a nice white wine. Reached in midair somewhere over the Atlantic, Gary Mex Glazner's head turned an alarming shade of red, then exploded.
The big loser in the news seems to be Providence, who were planning to host the Nationals in the year 2000. New President for Life Molly Peacock stated earlier, “Fat Chance in Hell! It is Iowa from now on, baby." Ray Davey commented, “Well, I always liked corn."
Prosecutors had asked the Dept. of Poetry to look into the merger; as of press time, the judge warned against any family outburst. Deb and Steve Marsh were last seen heading to Canada with a cigar box reportedly chock full of slam memorabilia. It is believed that the box holds the original key to Butchie's Get Me High Club.
(Email requests for the entire Merger Newsletter to PinPoRo@aol.com, including both your email and snail addresses.)
